The Skillful Sleuth: Obama Proves Benghazi Was Not a Terrorist Attack (SATIRE)
Obama: You must all be wondering why I called you in here today. Our foreign policy has hit a little bump in the road. It seems that people are upset that we just now finally admitted that the attack in Libya was a preplanned terrorist attack. Now they are calling us liars.
Biden: Let’s sue them for definition of character.
In Unison: Shut up, Joe!!
Obama: We are changing our story back to the original one. This was a demonstration against an Internet movie that no one saw and it got out of hand.
Jay Carney: But we can’t do that. We were already busted on that story.
Obama: Maybe before. But now we have proof.
Obama: Yes, proof. I have here a home video from Libya that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the attack was not the work of terrorists but a spontaneous incident brought on by a few Muslims who got just a bit out of hand. David, the lights, please.
(With a few clicks, David Axlerod starts the DVD player. The movie begins with 3 Muslims, two men and a woman, preparing a picnic basket.)
Hamid: Hey Nasri and Abdllah, wanna go to a movie? It’s about our blessed prophet and lasts only 12 minutes.
Nasri: I’m game.
Abdullah: Me too.
Hamid: Nasri, did you pack the lamb sandwiches?
Nasri: Yes, Hamid. Lamb sandwiches, chicken mughlai, 2 IEDs, and a pint of goat’s milk.
Abdullah: You are bringing IEDs? Why?
Hamid: You never know when one of these movies could get out of hand and I don’t want to be unprepared.
Abdullah: Do you think I should run home and get a few mortars?
Hamid: Do you have any?
Abdullah: I have a few left over from last year’s Ramadan fireworks display.
Hamid: Well, it can’t hurt. Amir is bringing a few grenades, Jamil, a couple of AK 47s, and Khalid is bringing some KY jelly.
Abdullah: Well, I don’t want to be the only one showing up with nothing . I’ll meet you near the movie theater next to the American embassy.
(The film stops then starts again near the US embassy.)
Hamid: This goat milk must have come from a goat in heat. I’m wasted.
Abdullah: Oh Hamid, the colors, the colors.
Amir: There’s spiders crawling all over me. That’s it. I’m going to kill them with one of my grenades.
(When the grenade went off, the crowd goes wild and begin burning, looting, and break down the doors on selected safe houses. Film ends)
Obama: And if that isn’t proof enough, I have an affidavit from Hamid and Abdullah, swearing the tape is unedited by NBC, who was holding it for safe keeping.
Carney: This affidavit is a fake.
Obama: Why do you say that, Jay?
Carney: Well, it’s written in crayon on a ham sandwich wrapper from 7-11. Did you get this from the same guy who produced your birth certificate by any chance?
Obama: I had to. He sent me his birthday money, his anniversary money, and his pizza money. I felt I owed him something.
Carney: And Hamid looks suspiciously like Kal Penn.
Obama: Well, he’s one of the 1%. He could afford to go to Libya. And you know how he likes to party.
Axlerod: Maybe we should go to plan B.
Obama: What’s Plan B?
Axlerod: Actually we have none in keeping with your leadership style.
Biden: Oh, sheesh. If it uses Bo’s leadership, it will never work.
In Unison: Shut up, Joe!!
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